“Life is difficult” is the first line from M. Scott Peck’s seminal book the road less travelled. Originally written in 1978 and updated for its 25th anniversary in 2012 this book dares to lead with what might seem a provocation. However Dr. Peck bravely and assuredly lays out an elegant unveiling of the truth not only as he sees it but as has been put forth and practiced by spiritual traditions for years. One teacher, Walter Burkhardt coined the phrase “taking a long, loving look at the real” as a guiding light for examining one’s experience.
Out of pure desperation, I began therapy when I was 26. I was married, had a spunky 2-year-old daughter and we had just moved into our first home. Having been raised in a very traditional family I had, as a woman attained my purpose. Except, there was something wrong. There was actually a lot wrong. I developed symptoms that terrified me; all unpredictable except that they only occurred when I left the perimeter of our home. In the grocery store my heart could start racing with little notice. I feared I would faint. It became hard to breath. “What would happen to my toddler if I died in this store?” I thought. I cannot count the times I left my groceries, mid isle and fled for the safety of my car. By the time I made my way home, hoping to remain conscious I was sweaty, exhausted and defeated.
After months of living this way I finally faced the reality that I was getting worse and more isolated. Upon recommendation of my doctor and contrary to recommendations of friends and family I began to see a therapist. At the very beginning of this journey I learned I had little choice but to take that long loving look at the realities of my life and of who I was and how I contributed to this experience. I could no longer maintain the façade that was so carefully crafted through my family of origin. In therapy I faced memories and grief long stored in the recesses of my mind. I felt the relief brought both by tears and by admitting and experiencing anger for injustices and violations I had experienced from people I loved. Contrary to what I had been taught my whole life, to pretend everything was ok and not to make waves, facing that life is difficult was liberating. I felt an increasing lightness of being. Instead of hiding from my reality (the pain, the joy, the shame, the successes) I worked on radical honesty with myself and learned over the course of therapy to effectively experience all my emotions knowing that I would get through the difficult ones. This process was neither short nor sweet. There was plenty of pain and awkwardness. In the end I not only healed but used the experience as a springboard to launch into my unexpected profession as a psychotherapist.
Life is difficult…and wonderful and frustrating and nearly impossible at times. Facing the real, and experiencing the emotions that arise as a result, no matter how daunting, are the basic elements of emotional growth. Our understanding of the nervous system, the relationship between experience, thoughts and emotions is vast and constantly evolving and continue to inform the ways that we at Amenda can accompany and guide you in safely experiencing the emotions that arise from facing the real in this World and in your life. In subsequent essays I will discuss some of those different ways of conceptualizing and addressing emotional pain.
Next up: Recognizing and Cultivating micro moments to calm the nervous system
-Lauren Loos, MA, LPC
